Guest Blogger: Santa Head!

Here at the Memory Drawer, things can get a little heavy at times.  I don't want you guys to think that I am this mopey, angst-ridden, depressed, oh-woe-is-me kind of gal, so I've decided to let a guest blogger sign in today and provide you with a little something different.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...  Santa Head.

Hi everybody!  I'm Santa Head.

Let me start by providing you with a little background on my origins.  One day a few years ago, I rolled into John and Regina's yard and got stuck under their grill.  Well, they got a new grill, and Sally offered to take the old one off their hands.  Regina said that was fine, but I was part of the deal.  Sally said no way, because for some reason she feels that I am a bit creepy, which I don't understand at all.  I mean, I'm Santa for Chrissake.

Anyhoo, Sally took the grill home without me, and that evening Regina had the audacity to skewer me on a shepherd's hook in Sally's back yard.  Can you imagine?  Hmph.  Well, Sally decided that I deserved better than that, and she also wanted me off her goddamned property, so she put me on Regina's porch swing, where I sat happily for a few days.  Regina then thought it would be hilarious if she put me (by myself) in a box and MAILED me to Sally.  WTF?  How would she like it if I mailed her in a box with no goddamned padding?  However, I've also been placed in John and Regina's bed, at the bottom of a dirty clothes hamper, in the freezer, and myriad other places, so I guess that the box wasn't too bad, relatively speaking.

So, for the past few years, I've been bounced back and forth between Regina's wonderful home, and Sally's place, where I am unloved and underappreciated.  Last summer, I even made it up to Ticonderoga, New York, which was really lovely.  In fact, I intend to go up there again, whether Regina likes it or not.

Sally finally figured out that I was hiding in her barbeque grill for God knows how long.  Apparently, her brother Glenn had something to do with this, so he really needs to watch his back, because this outdoor crap is bullshit.  Anyways, as I sat for a few weeks inside the grill, I got pretty goddamned cold.  I decided that I needed a hat other than the one I already have.  Sally tried to find something appropriate.

Sally was kind enough to let me try on her Phillies baseball cap, but as much as I love the Fightins', it really wasn't working for me.

She then thought I might like to try this hat that she made from some of her handspun yarn, but the hat looks retarded and the yarn is overspun so it feels like I'm wearing a burlap bag on my head.  Nice try.

This one is pretty cute, but it's meant for a Blythe doll, and as any asshole can plainly see, I'm not a fucking Blythe doll.  Jesus.  Let's get it together, Sal.

Sally tried yet again, and I think this time she finally got it right.  She made a hat just for me.  It's about time I got a little respect around here.

Now that I'm nice and toasty warm, I decided to explore a little, because it really is a nice day out, and I'm usually stuck somewhere smelly, dark, and weird.  No one takes my feelings into consideration, which is really not at all just.  It's not my goddamned fault I rolled into Regina's yard.  Christ.

I tried out Susannah's Adirondack chair first.  It was pretty comfy, and I like the sun-dappled-ness of it, but there's some place I'd really rather be.

And that place is Regina's house.  :o)

Are these flowers gorgeous or what?  In case you didn't know (and I don't know how anyone would not know this, because I'm pretty sure it's been broadcast on CNN), purple is Regina's favorite color.  In fact, I'm a little surprised she hasn't painted me purple, just for shits and giggles, because she can be a little weird like that sometimes.

I thought I'd relax on the swing for a while, but I kept falling off because I have no ass.

I also considered a swim, but the pool looks like a Superfund site, so I decided against it.  I also didn't want to ruin my nice new hat that Sally so lovingly made for me.

I finally decided on just enjoying nature in John and Regina's back yard.  Pretty nice, eh?  I think so too.  They work hard to keep it looking good, unlike Sally, whose yard looks like something out of a horror novel.  This is one of the many reasons I prefer to be with Regina rather than Sally.

The view of the field from John and Regina's Adirondack chairs is really sensational.  I just wish I had some company.

I thought about going for a spin in the Fiero, but I don't have arms or legs, and all the tires are flat.  Shit.

It would be a terrific day for a boat ride, but then I noticed that (again) I have no arms and legs with which to control the boat, the trailer has no wheels on it, and the Schuylkill River is about 2 miles away, and I don't think I can drag it there myself.  Plus I might get pulled over for going too slow, and that would just suck ass.  No one wants to spend their day in the clink, especially when it's so goddamned nice out.

I found myself in the same predicament with the truck.  As much as I love it, it and I aren't going anywhere.  At least for now.

This cushion is quite comfy, and I totally understand why White Puss enjoys it here so much.  I wish someone would feed ME and build ME a heated bed.  But no, I just get stuffed in boxes and hampers and freezers.  This shit ain't right.  But I'm not bitter.  I'll stop complaining.

For now, I'll just wait for John and Regina to get home from work.  I hope they build a fire, because as I've said before, I've spent way too many cold-ass nights outside, waiting for some lame-o to find me.  If they do build a fire, I really hope they don't set me too close to it, because I'd melt, and that would just be fucking awful.

I'd like to thank Sally for letting me guest blog today; it's been a blast!  As for Regina, I just want to let you know that I am waiting patiently for you.  Somewhere on your property.  Hopefully you'll find me soon.  At least I have a nice warm hat.

Kisses!