Dreams of My Mother

Dreams are a strange phenomenon.  There are so many theories about what they can mean or what they don't mean, and mine are greatly influenced by drugs I take before bed (Advil makes my mind very creative).  Sometimes my dreams are scary, but most are not very memorable.  I've had a few that I never wanted to wake up from because they were so beautiful.  I had one of those this morning.

Since my mother passed away almost four years ago, she appears periodically in my dreams.  Whenever she did appear, she was angry with me.  This upset me greatly.  I miss her so much.  I really don't care for this time of year to a point, because although spring is a time of renewal and I love the weather and the flowers and the sun, it is when my mother passed away, and it is when Mother's Day occurs.  I know that I should enjoy Mother's Day because I AM a mother, but I just really miss my mom.  A  lot.

This morning I had a dream, and my mom was in it.  The only part I remember is hugging her.  I put my arms around her, and I laid my head on her shoulder, and I knew she was smiling, and she had her arms around me and was hugging me back.  The thing about the dream that stood out that most was her voice.  I could hear it so clearly in the dream, and it sounded exactly like her, before she got sick.  She sounded happy, and I knew she was happy to see me.  We hugged, and she talked, and it was like she was right there.

I never wanted this dream to end.  But I was happy when I woke up because finally I had had a dream where my mother wasn't angry at me.  I don't know why she was angry at me in all the other dreams, and I don't care anymore.  All I know is that she loved me and comforted me and talked to me and held me in the dream this morning, and it was just like when she was alive and well and I could visit her and hold her and touch her and talk to her.

This dream gives me hope.  I really felt like she visited me this morning.  I feel like her spirit carries on somewhere, and it gives me hope that I will see her again some day, and I will be able to hug her and hear her voice again.  But at the same time, I hope it's not too soon.  I am a mother, and I want to be here for my daughter for as long as is possible, and I want to be healthy.  I know how hard it was to lose my mother when I was 33 years old, and I hope my daughter does not have to go through my death any earlier than I had to with my mother.

I love my mom.  I love my daughter.  I hope there is a god or a cosmic force that keeps me alive and healthy for a long time, and I hope that my mother continues to visit me in my dreams and give me hugs.

Dedicated to Nancy Romano and her children; may you visit them in their dreams and give them hugs.