Why I'm not a Christian (or, A Long History of My Search for Meaning)

Religion is something that has intrigued me since I first was able to think about it.  I remember sleeping over my friend's house when I was little and going to Episcopalian services with her and her family on Sunday mornings.  I remember all my Catholic friends going to CCD (one told me that stood for Catholic Children's Dungeon).  I remember going to Sunday school with my cousin and making paper chains that said "Jesus Loves Me."  But I didn't really understand it.

When I was about 12, I decided in my little head that I would believe in God, and I prayed for things.  Sometimes the things happened, and sometimes they didn't.  I didn't particularly want to go to church, because that meant getting up early on the weekends and doing something boring.  This is how I felt for quite some time.

When I got to college, I took a terrific course to fulfill a requirement.  It was Intro to World Religions.  My professor was a man who was raised Jewish but was a practicing Buddhist.  This class really opened my eyes to the religions of the world.  As part of our grade, we had to attend two religious services in a religion that we had not really experienced before.  I went to a Hanukkah service and a Hindu celebration at a local high school.  I liked the Hanukkah service because it was so all-inclusive: there was a male rabbi, a female rabbi, a woman who signed the service in ASL, and a man who sang songs and played guitar for the kids.  I thought that was pretty cool.  I really liked the Hindu ceremony too.  Given the time of year, I think it may have been a Diwali celebration, but I'm not sure.  I know there was a lot of music and dancing and merriment, and all of the women looked beautiful in their saris and gold jewelry.  I remember talking to the officiant (priest?), and he was a warm and welcoming and happy person who talked with me at great lengths.  He encouraged me to dance and eat and have fun.  And he said something that really stuck with me over the past 16 years.  He said, "It is important to explore all religions.  This way you will learn more about your own."  He had no intentions of converting me; he was just so happy that I was there and willing to learn more about Hinduism.  He made a great impression on me.

After that class, and through most of my twenties, I didn't think much about religion.  I didn't attend any services.  I didn't pray.  I just was.  And I guess that was okay.  I was pretty depressed in my mid-twenties for a variety of reasons.  Would religion have helped?  I don't know. 

When I married TC, I started to think about religion again.  What was I?  What did I believe?  I decided to go to church with my mother-in-law and give Christianity (Presbyterianism) another go.  I went to several services, but I remember a parable that stood out, and for the wrong reason.  I don't even remember exactly what it was about, but it had to do with people being treated unfairly and they were supposed to suck it up and deal with it and just be grateful for what they had.  It wasn't the Prodigal Son, but it had a similar message.  Anyhoo, I remember sitting in the pew at church and thinking, no.  This is all wrong.  I can't do this.  I felt like a hypocrite.  So I stopped going to church.

I started thinking about other things, and continue to do so to this day.  I don't believe that Jesus was the son of God.  I think he was a real person who was a great leader, but I don't believe that he was the son of God.  I don't believe that Mary was a virgin when she conceived him.  I don't believe that the Bible is the word of God.  I think it is a book that is somewhat based on events that may have taken place, and the rest was made up to keep people in line, and, back in the Dark Ages especially, it's done a pretty good job of that.

I don't believe in Original Sin.  My daughter goes to a Catholic school (oddly enough) for reasons I won't explain here.  She is in second grade, which is when the kids make their First Holy Communion.  During First Penance, she decided that she wanted to go to church and be with her friends while they 'confessed' their sins.  I was filled with rage when the priest (who is so gay it's not even funny [okay, actually it is very funny, but more on that later]) looked at these little seven- and eight-year-olds, and said "Children, YOU ARE ALL SINNERS," pointing at the children with each word.  It was time for us to go then.  And in the car, I tried my best to explain to my beautiful, kind, caring, funny, wonderful daughter that she is not a sinner, and God loves her even if she doesn't confess or make her first communion. 

Back to the gay priest.  We all know how the Catholic church and other Christian denominations feel about gays.  I feel bad for our priest (actually, now he's a monsignor, so I guess he got a promotion), because he's a South Philly Italian, and I think it was probably much easier for him to become a priest than it would have been for him to come out and proclaim his homosexuality to his friends and family.  It makes me so angry that Christianity tells people that being gay is wrong, and that they are sinners, and that they can 'pray the gay away.'  And it especially pisses me off that they can't get married legally by our government, which, as I mentioned before in other posts, is so corrupt and horrid at times that it makes me want to puke.  Anyways.

I do believe that there is something out there that is greater than us, than me.  I don't know that I even want to label it, because I think it is something that is incomprehensible, and that's okay.  It's too big for me to understand.  And if it is God, I think that s/he would appreciate me being honest with him/her, rather than being a hypocrite and praying and going to church in order to avoid divine retribution in the afterlife that may or may not exist.

And that takes us to hypocrisy, one of the most loathesome human traits there is.  I know of very few Christians who lead their lives in a Christ-like way.  And correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the point?  I mean, I'm fairly certain he didn't expect everyone to go about and beg and preach and love no matter what, but man, when someone tells me right off the bat that they're a Christian, I'm wary.  My father converted to Judaism last September, and his one sister flew off the handle.  It took one of his other sisters twenty minutes to calm her down to the point where she wasn't spitting nails.  Also, my 'Christian' aunt is one of the biggest freakin' gossips I have ever met in my entire life.  I do love her, but wow, I don't think Jesus would approve of some of her behavior.  And she's mild compared to say, oh I don't know, George W. Bush?  Pat Robertson?  Ted Haggard?  Let's see: Dubya lied, lied, lied to start a war that never should have started to begin with, and it's turn into something we can't end.  He's a greedy, horrid man.  Pat Robertson said a few days ago that the Haitians deserved to experience the earthquake; it's retribution for selling their souls to the devil 200 years ago (and don't forget to send money).  Um, what?  And good ol' Ted Haggard.  I actually feel kind of bad for him.  If he wants to be gay and do meth, he should just go right ahead (maybe not the meth part; that's unhealthy).  But to raise a family and preach to thousands to do exactly the opposite of what he WAS doing is, again, hypocritical.

I know these are rather grand examples of Christianity gone wrong, and I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with Judaism or Islam either.  I just wish that the followers of these faiths could bring it on down to the bare bones minimum:  Love thy neighbor (even if they aren't the same as you).  Thou shalt not kill (even if they aren't the same as you).  Honor your father and mother.  Don't steal.  Don't cheat on your spouse.  Don't worship idols (like money, cars, big houses, cell phones, and all that other crap).  Don't lie.  And you know, these are good rules to live your life by, but I don't need the Bible to tell me these things.  I am a moral person, and it's possible to moral and not ascribe to any particular religion, despite what Ann Coulter says. (One reason I have trouble believing in God is because He hasn't struck her down yet.  I'm still waiting for a swarm of locusts to descend upon her.  I'd pay good money to see that.)  How can people with hate in their hearts be good Christians?

I could go on a while, but I'll stop here.  My search continues.  I like Zen Buddhism.  I'm intrigued and want to learn more about Hinduism.  We'll see what happens.